HB: Humongous Badfic
by the random monkey
Summary: Rating for language. Learn some new adjectives, kids! Harry, Ron and Hermione act a little strange(r than usual)....
1. Ron

Title: Humongous Badfic Parte Dos   
Author: the random monkey   
Date: May 30, 2002 (during AP Biology finals)   
Author's notes: I've always wanted to write a bad songfic. So I did, using the song "Soy Una Pizza" (I Am a Pizza), a song my Spanish II teacher made us sing. I wrote it up and posted it during Bio finals (due to a complicated process involving AP exams, we didn't take a test and had all hour to play on the iMacs). So I just posted it, and my teacher walks over and starts reading my rough draft (written out on paper).   
"Am I missing something?" she asked.   
"Probably," I said.   
"Shut down the computer," she said.   
So then I had to watch Men in Black for the rest of the hour. Enjoy!   
  
*********************************  


_Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)   
con mucho queso (With lots of cheese)   
Llena de salsa (Full of sauce)   
De tomate (Of tomato)_   


Tomato sauce. Ron loved tomato sauce, deeply, passionately, an unspoken longing for the red substance. 

He remembered the first time he'd ever had tomato sauce: a plate of spaghetti when he was one and a half. His mother had set the plate in front of him- thick, red broth, full of noodles and hamburger. Curious, he had dipped his finger in it and lifted it to his mouth; the tangy, salty flavor had spread over his tastebuds, and Ron had become smitten.   


_Cebollas y hongos (Onions and mushrooms)   
Oregano (Oregano)   
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza   
Soy la mejor. (I am the best.)_   


Ron had been horrified the first time he'd had pizza. Yes, the sauce was there, but it was barely detectable through the cheese and onions and mushrooms!   


What evil could have created such a dish?   


_Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)   
Pepperoni (Pepperoni)   
Sin anchovas (Without anchovies)   
Sin baloney (Without baloney)_   


The pizza had been a baloney pizza.   


_Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)   
Pideme (Ask for me)   
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)   
Ya llevame! (Take me already!)_   


Ever since then, Ron had hated pizza. But it was difficult; pizza had a hold on people. Everyone loved pizza - everyone except Ron. He was the only one committed to fighting pizza in all its forms. Stupid pizza.   


_Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)   
Pimiento verde (Green pepper)   
Salì del orno (I came out of the oven)   
Hacia la caja (Into the box)_   


Ron had had enough. It was time to show Pizza who was boss.   
"That's it!" he yelled, standing and slamming closed his DADA text, scaring the heck out of Hermione and Harry, who thought he had gone nutters. He stormed out of the Gryffindor common room and headed toward the kitchen.   
The house elves scattered as he crossed the room and stopped at the long food-prep counter. There sat the Pizza, its evil cheese and crust surrounding the precious, precious sauce.   
"This ends now, Pizza," said Ron, drawing his wand. He pointed it at the Pizza, and shouted "Wyngardium Leviosa!"   
The pizza floated into the air. Ron, filled with rage, suddenly lost his concentration, and the Pizza crashed to the ground.   


_Pero en el coche (But in the car)   
Me cayì (I fell)   
Soy una pizza (I am a pizza)   
Pobre de mì! (Poor me!)_   


The pizza lay on the ground, smashed. Ron stared, openmouthed. He had only wanted to hurt the Pizza, not... Not ruin it. He fell to his knees, picking the Pizza up and cradling it in his arms. Tears streamed from his eyes.   


_Fui una pizza (I was a pizza)   
Fui la mejor (I was the best)   
Una linda pizza (A beautiful pizza)   
Ahora ya no. (Now I'm not.)   
Ay, pobre de mì! (Oh, poor me!)   
Què lastima! (What a shame!)_


	2. Harry

Title: Humongous Badfic III: Harrymon   
Author: the random monkey   
Date: started sometime in June, finished Sept. 14, 2002   
Author notes: Includes my version of _every single song on every single english-language pokemon CD_ at the bottom.   
__

_We join our heroes walking through the Hogwarts grounds, where they are... Well, pretty much just wandering._

They had done this every day for the past week, and had been through nearly every part of the grounds, but still persisted in wandering around aimlessly, in hopes of, as Harry put it, "catching some cool new students."   
Harry Boywholivedum was a tall, lanky lass, not terribly bright, but certainly full of vim and vigour, and committed to the idea that "it will all turn out okay if you just try hard enough." He was wearing, as he did every day, a black shirt and blue jeans beneath his blue-and-white short-sleeved robes (of _course_ he has blue-and-white short-sleeved robes. Don't you?), and a red baseball cap was perched (or rather, melted, for he wore it EVERY DAY) on his head.   
Hermione comedyrelief was his friend, older, wiser, and not particularly interesting in and of herself. Mostly she existed to keep Harry from doing anything stupid enough to get him killed, for then we wouldn't have a series, would we? Hermione wore a orange shirt and brown khaki pants under her horrendous green, sleeveless robes. Oh, and Hermione never opened her eyes. Ever.   
Ron Idonthavealastnamecauseimnotimportantenough was a tall, thin red-haired boy, who had a horrid temper. He also either had a crush on Harry, or a strong attachment to his bicycle, whichever you choose. He wore a yellow belly shirt and daisy duke shorts with red suspenders.   
At the moment, the group was walking around the grounds, staring at everything with an amazed expression, as if they had never seen it before. The other Hogwarts students were staring in amazement also, but at the group, and because they were wondering a) what the group was on, and b) where they could obtain some.   
"I'm bored," said Harry. "We haven't seen any new students yet."   
"It's probably because you're scaring them away, being so loud!" shouted Ron.   
"I am not!" shouted back Harry.   
"Stop it, you two," said Hermione, calmly. "We're almost to Hagrid Town, and we can find some stuff to do there."   
"Well, I hope we get there soon, because I'm bored," said Harry.   
"You just said that!" shouted Ron. "Now shut up before you scare all the students away!"   
Hermione merely sighed exasperatedly.   
Suddenly, there was a flash of red in the conveniently-placed brush. "What was that?" shouted Harry, running over to it.   
"Harry, be careful! It might be wild!" called Hermione after him.   
Harry dove into the brush and, after a short tussle, emerged, dragging the unconscious body of Neville Longbottom behind him. "Look, guys!" he yelled. "I caught a Neville!"   
"Wow!" said Hermione. "That's quite a catch. It's at a very high level."   
Harry beamed. "Hurry! Let's go to Hagrid Town and get it revived!"   
He started to run off, when all of a sudden, a voice rang out. "Prepare for a duel!"   
"And make it, uh, dual," chimed in another voice.   
Hermione gasped. "It's Team Darkness!" she cried.   
Two shapes appeared in the path ahead. Perhaps they were in the shade, or maybe the light just didn't hit them properly, or it might have just been artistic license, but their faces could not be seen.   
"To infect the world with devastation," continued the first voice.   
"To smite all mudbloods within our nation," intoned the other.   
"To denounce as evil truth and love."   
"To darken even the stars above."   
"Voldemort!" said the first one, and his face miraculously became unobscured.   
"Wormtail!" said the other, as his face was magically revealed.   
"Team Darkness blasts you with Avada Kadavra!"   
"Surrender now, or, er.. Something that rhymes with Kedavra!"   
Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy ran up behind them. Panting, he whispered, "Lucius Malfoy.... Damn... Straight," before fainting never to be mentioned again in this fic.   
"What do you want?" shouted Harry.   
"We want your students! @11 ur $tud3ntz r b310ng 2 u$!" replied Voldemort grandiosely.   
"Also, it'd be nice if you died," added Wormtail.   
"Never!" said Harry.   
"Then prepare for a duel!" said Voldemort.   
"Whoah," said Ron. "I just had the strangest feeling of deja-vu..."   
"Enough!" cried Voldemort. "Time to fight! Voldemort, go!" he shouted, and jumped six inches forward.   
"Harry, go!" shouted Harry, and jumped forward.   
Ron looked at Hermione. "What now?" he asked.   
"Now," replied Hermione, " we stand back, acting nonchalantly unconcerned, and chat about who has the better chance of having their brain splattered."   
"Oh," said Ron, then, " I vote for Harry."   
"Agreed," said Hermione.   
Meanwhile, the battle had begun.   
"Stupefy!" shouted Harry, holding out his wand.   
"Impediment!" intoned Voldemort, aiming at Harry.   
The two curses flew, very slowly, past each other and toward their intended targets. With only minutes to spare, the two jumped out of the way of the attacks. Voldemort, however, didn't move fast enough, and got grazed in the shoulder by the spell.   
He fell to the ground, writhing and screaming. "Aaah! Oooh! Man, you gotta help me, man!" he cried, clutching his chest and stretching his hand out toward Wormtail.   
Ignoring the hand, Wormtail timidly tapped Voldemort on the shoulder. "Uhhh... Master?" he said in a tiny voice.   
Voldemort stopped his theatrics and looked up at Wormtail malevolently. "What?" he growled.   
"Er.. That's the wrong parody, sir," mumbled Wormtail. "This is the Pokemon ripoff, and you're doing Power Rangers."   
Voldemort stared at Wormtail for a while, then stood up. "Very well," he said.   
"But wait!" said Ron. "If Voldemort just got hit by the Stupefy Curse, how can he-" and then he disappeard, because that's what happens if you know too much.   
Voldemort and Harry began to duel again. "Stupefy!" said Harry.   
"Impediment!" said Voldemort.   
The two went through their complicated dance of avoiding each other's attacks, only this time Harry was hit. "Aaah! Ow!" he screamed.   
Voldemort laughed. "Time to end this foolish battle!" He raised his wand sloooowly...   
"Harry!" said Hermione. "Why don't you use your ultimate attack?"   
"Good idea!" said Harry. He pointed his wand at Voldemort and shouted "Expecto Patronum!" as Voldemort continued raising his wand.   
The attack hit Voldemort square on, causing him to crash into Wormtail, who in turn knocked into Luci- Uh, the guy who isn't gonna be mentioned again, honest. The five (what? Oh, yes) three of them sailed into the sky and over the horizon.   
Ron reappeared, promising to be good from now on.   
"Wow! Great duel, Harry!" said Hermione.   
Just then, Neville woke up and looked around. "Harry... Ron... Hermione... I've finally found you!" he said.   
The three looked at each other.   
"Madam Sprout sent me. Remember the weeds we were helping pull the other day, that we threw on the fire? She said that one of them might have been Loco Weed, which is known to cause a euphoric effect if the smoke is inhaled."   
The three continued staring at each other, then began laughing. "Aren't these students cute when they pretend to talk?" asked Ron. "It's like they have a language all their own!"   
"Well, time to put him in his Student Ball!" said Harry, pointing his wand at Neville.   
"No! What are you doi-" he was cut off as Harry turned him into a box of banana-flavored Pocky. Harry picked up the box and put it in his bag along with his Chocolate Pocky, strawberry Pocky and Men's Pocky. 

_And so our heroes continue on through the grounds of Hogwarts..._

Harry: Don't go away! Neville's jukebox is next! 

_(CM Break)___

Neville: Uh, hi. Uh, I'm... I'm Neville, and they said that... That maybe if I really embarrassed myself, Harry would stop turning me into a box of banana-flavored Pocky every time he saw me. Sou- *ahem* so, I wrote this song... 

Friendship is nice,   
Friendship is neat,   
play nice with your friends,   
and keep your room neat,   
And eat your vegetables,   
And wear clean underwear,   
'Cause noone wants to be friends   
With someone whose underwear smells,   
And be nice,   
And don't do drugs,   
Unless they're prescription,   
But I wouldn't know,   
Because I'm a wizard,   
And I don't take prescription drugs   
(At least, I think I'm a wizard   
'Cause I bounced when I fell out of that window)   
And being nice is neat,   
And being neat is nice,   
So always be nice and neat!   


Um.. That's it... so did it wo-   
Harry: My Neville! _(Turns him into Banana-flavored Pocky)_ Of course it doesn't work, Neville! Pocky can't sing!   
 


End file.
